Hello Dolly ...

Dolly writes:

What a silly name they gave me. And me the clever one...

These are great digs. Mum does that human thing of mixing loads of great food together because just carrot would be too boring. Since she's useless at finding the greengrocer it means we get apples and grapes and strawberries (my favourite). Sometimes I get a real sugar high and wake up with a bad head and a traffic cone in the hutch but it's worth it.

I didn't like being picked up when I first arrived. Humans are so careless and drop us rabbits. I jumped down when Dad was holding me and ran away. A few feet. It was too scary. That big cat is allowed in OUR garden. So I let Mum pick me up now and even let her cuddle me and tell me what a gorgeous bunny I am. She does that a lot.

My "sister" Molly is supposed to be writing her bit but she's busy eating. She's ALWAYS eating.

Wake Up and Feed The Bunnies

Sharon writes:

30 July would have been my Dad's birthday. He died in 2006. You can see pictures on him on my website HERE

I'd been depressed for months and need something to change. We thought about getting a rabbit. Something to make me get up in the morning. But we were worried about animals living long past our retirement, Selfish, I know,

Dolly and Molly were up for adoption in our local pet shop. They're five years old so won't live another ten years. Although they are already subject to "Queen Mother Syndrome" and are being too wll looked after. They had different stupid names but we changed them to the current stupid names.

It took them a few days to settle down but they're a real joy. Two completely different characters.

They do make me get up in the morning. I love it when it's sunny (which isn't often) and they can go in their portable run - their "playpen" - on the grass. We don't have to get the lawnmower out any more!

Dad loved rabbits, Either I got him a present or he got me one!

Insomnia

Why is an accountant writing drivel in her blogs in the early hours when everyone knows the hours of darkness are best suited to preparing tax returns? My excuse is that I'm waiting for the wretched things to print. Despite online filing the tax system is still responsible for arboricide. OK, now I'm making words up.

This particular rant is about keywords. SEO (Search Engine Optimisation for the uninitiated and those who have a proper job)is the great god of internet marketing and it requires that you include the right keywords in your articles. Why? So that when people search on "nice smelling lotion to be rubbed on bald heads" they can find the site on which you just happen to be selling that for $19.99 or $17.97 or whatever the latest psychological price breakpoint is. Actually that phrase is of the type known as long-tailed keywords. It's a Good Thing since it doesn't cost much to pay for Pay Per Click advertising for it. Er, Hello, that's because no-one ever types it into a search engine.

I ignore keywords and will be burned at the internet marketing stake for doing so. I refuse point blank to bastardise my writing by throwing in just the right sprinkling (not too much, not too little...) of abominable keywords. I write what I like. People who are interested in what I have to say can find me and my articles. People who are not interested in what I have to say will find me on forums anyway.

Now, by rights, the title of this post should be something like "the efficient use of keywords for SEO purposes". I thought Insomnia" was more appropriate. I will, however, be a hypocrite and put the word keywords in the post labels. Just in case they use the ducking stool before burning me at the stake.

Interesting Phenomena's

Where do I start with this one? It came to me in an e-mail from a respected business associate, which meant that I was obliged to read it. Fortunately the double abomination was not repeated in the body of the e-mail.

Phenomenon is the single form. What, then, is the plural? The word is Greek and yet it is given an "a" in its plural form phenomena as if it's Latin. No matter the merits of that we are stuck with it. It's in common use since phenomenons hardly trips off the tongue.

"Phenomena's" makes me want to lie down in a darkened room. Not only does the word not exist but it's also been awarded an aberrant apostrophe. What, pray, does the lady Phenomena own?

They're, there and their

Don’t let anyone tell you that spelling and grammar doesn't matter! It most certainly does. It either tells people that you had a poor education or that you can't be bothered. Sadly it could well mean that you are aged between 18 and 40 and that your teachers couldn't be bothered.
I'm happy to spend the rest of my life helping you with your English. I even run a specialist forum on English for writers, editors and general pedants. There's a section on the BV forums so you can ask questions and get advice. I was lucky enough to go to school in the 1960s where we had grammar lessons and six years of Latin so I'm happy to pass on knowledge that your teachers never had in the first place.

So let's start with a few "killers". These are the mistakes that cause physical pain to those who love English grammar:

Your and You're

You will only have a problem with these if you’re 40 or under and part of that problem is that slight changes in the sound of English have made them sound almost the same. They don't actually sound the same but the difference is minimal.

This is very easy:

You're = You are

eg Do you know if you’re coming to the party? (Do you know if you are coming to the party?)

Your = something you own/something that is yours.

eg Are you bringing your sister to the party?

Does it matter? Yes, it does. When I read "do you know if your coming to the party?" that sentence does not actually make any sense and I struggle to work out what it means. When I see "your" I expect to see something that I own following it! People write "your" all the time because they either never learned the difference (please write to the Government and get a refund on your alleged education ….) or they are vaguely aware there is a difference but can't be bothered to sort out what it is.

They're/their/there

These sound even more alike and even grammatical experts will occasionally type the wrong one.

They're = they are

eg Do we know if they're coming to the party?

Their = something they own/something that is theirs

eg Are they taking their mother on holiday?

There = a location or something exists

eg The balled rolled over there, or

There's a shop over there (both in that sentence!)

These few rules will take you 10 seconds to learn and 10 weeks to practise. Practice means thinking and concentrating on every paragraph you write to make sure you don't use the wrong one but you are only practising two sets of words at the moment. I can promise you that after those 10 weeks your English will have improved dramatically!

In the next article I'll look at commas and apostrophes and other troublesome punctuation.

Recommended Books:

Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss
Between you and I by James Cochrane