[Think this is a long post? Wait until you see the full horror story in my book, it's in the shops early 2026]
I’m 70 years old. I quite enjoy being 70. I can
switch between looking glam and "you don't look it" and being a daft
old lady depending on caffeine consumption. It seems, though, that I have
learned very little about human nature in the last 70 years.
We had lunch recently with a friend who had just
been on a first date. “I asked, “Any red flags?” and she was amused that I knew
what that was, being an old lady married for 40 years. And, yes, there was one
for her. Red flags are something you hear about from people using dating apps,
right? The meaning is kind of obvious but you don’t pay much attention to it
unless you’re in the dating game.
Then one day you realise you need to pay attention
to these in your everyday life or you will get hurt. And the one who hurts you
is your dearest friend. And you could have avoided all the pain…
So this is my story designed to save others from
pain. The one who caused the pain will never read it. He's far too arrogant for
that. I should have been journalling regularly during my months of pain but
that was too hard, other than ranting to long suffering friends on Facebook.
Now my story is coloured by what I learned about narcissism and my sessions
with a wonderful therapist. Yes, this person made me need a therapist after
managing for 70 years without one!
What is Narcissism?
It’s actually a psychological disorder, one that is
rarely diagnosed and rarely treatable and sufferers are on a spectrum to add to
the confusion. You can see the official definitions and criteria for
diagnosis HERE.
I’m not going to get into the amateur psycho babble, I’m just going to tell you
about my experiences then you can do your own research. In practice this is
what narcissists do:
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1) They reel you in with “love bombing” and mirror you. They seem to
like the things you like etc etc You think they're the best thing since sliced
bread but it’s all fake.
-
2) They're completely self-centred. Every single thought and action
is about them and you are expected to provide validation and serve their every
need.
-
3) They have no empathy and do not care what is happening to you,
whether it’s problems in the relationship or your personal problems or illness.
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4) They exploit you and use your time and skills or even exploit you
financially. They will hang on to the shirt-tails of celebrities, politicians,
business leaders - anyone they think can make them look good.
-
5) They cannot take criticism or accept your boundaries. They will
declare that you’re “attacking” them if you try to establish any.
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6) They take no accountability for anything even if it is clearly
their fault. They will shift the blame, flip the script, twist everything and
gaslight you until YOU take the blame or have no idea which way is up.
So why would you tolerate this obnoxious behaviour
in a friend? Because you can't see it. They are master manipulators.
Unfortunately in romantic relationships you don’t get to see it until it’s too
late and you’re married with children.
The Family Narcissist
I had experience of narcissism for over 30 years as
one of my family is a narcissist. He will make himself look good by putting
other people down, he has no accountability for his words or actions and he’ll
make you look bad to family and friends. This is the “overt” or grandiose
narcissist who is basically so obnoxious you can spot it at 500 yards. Sadly,
you can’t do anything about it other than remove yourself from their orbit
entirely. When my dear mother died I regarded it as her gift that I would no longer
have to deal with this person. It was too late to save things with my family
who had heard me being blamed for everything for over 30 years but they’re
mostly dead or being avoided anyway so all is good.
Losing your family due to another person’s lies is
horrible but I was well on the way to getting over that when I discovered the
next narcissist.
Me and the Narcissist Friend: When Harry met Sharon
Several lifetimes ago I was in my 20s working in
London and living in a horrible civil service hostel in Knightsbridge (now a
very expensive boutique hotel). I was working in the Inland Revenue, as it was
then. I went to a church that’s now very famous – basically I was there in the
room when the Alpha course was invented, that’s how long ago it was. One
Sunday someone sat down next to me and introduced himself. I’m now going to
call him Harry. Not his name, although close in part, and not the name of anyone
I know.
Harry and I immediately took to each other and
became joined at the hip, to the amusement of those around us. He was in show
business. I understood that as I had a background in theatre since my teens. He
was gay and I understood that too which was quite something for the 1970s.
Sadly the church did not understand or respect it. I was his “girlfriend” at a
time when no-one even blinked at the thought of such a thing. He was my GBF
long before that became a derisory term. We had some great times together without
a care in the world. We loved each other - but I do remember he was a little
bit cruel, even then.
We lost touch around 1980. Too many house moves,
not enough phones, email, Google (well, none of that, obviously). Although
watch this space, there could be another reason.
The Reconnection
On a whim, I googled him back in 2022 and found his
Facebook page - he’s a professional singer. I sent a message. There was no
response for a while, then a “let’s exchange numbers”. I gave him mine and
heard nothing. (Retrospective red flag there… this is a person who can’t really
be bothered to connect). Then I saw a video where he had his phone number on a
poster and I called him and left a message. He was about to go to Australia for
two months so we couldn’t meet but started chatting on WhatsApp, swapping
little bits of news and gradually slipping into our old shared sense of humour.
While he was away my mother passed away and he was
very kind, taking time out of his holiday to send me thoughtful messages while
I was up in the middle of the night. My helpful therapist has since pointed out
this made him feel good about himself and it wasn’t entirely for my benefit.
Sad but true – and now very annoying because it was that perceived kindness
that tied me emotionally to this guy from the moment we reconnected. Harry is
the kind of narcissist who appears to the world to be a caring, lovely, truly
wonderful person. The hero - when they're not being the biggest victim in the
room. I fell for it.
No Time for Me
Mum’s funeral was not until March 2023 and he was
back in the UK so we arranged to meet. We had rented a house near where
Harry lives - for the week of the funeral which also nearby. Red flag
coming up...
We have two rules in life:
1) Never watch more than two series of a TV drama. We all know it will descend
into drivel in series 3.
2) Never bother with “busy” people. They’re rude.
If they’re too busy to see us that’s fine, just go and be busy over
there. We’re both retired accountants used to managing our time and
we find people who can’t or won’t manage their time objectionable. Even worse
are the people who aren’t actually busy. They just don’t want to see you. Avoid
at all costs.
After weeks of no sleep we arranged to get to the
house early after a dreadful motorway journey in order to meet Harry. He, in
the meantime, had arranged to be many miles away at a meeting and hadn’t warned
us of that. Later on this would happen time and time again as "something
else got put in the diary". What kind of person can't work their own diary
and not have the courtesy to warn the poor saps already in the diary about
clashes?
We had arguments about this constantly, starting
with the day we were due to meet. I was tempted to tell him not to bother
coming to meet us at all. That would have saved me a lot of pain.
Narcissists are worse than the “busy people”. They
deliberately invite and spread chaos. It’s part of their need to control
others. Normally this stupid behaviour would make me run a mile but I was
swayed by memories of the lovely time we’d had together many years before.
Once we finally got together Harry seemed very
supportive and we had a great time with him that week, including an evening at
his place on my birthday. But there was another red flag I missed. Before I
even got in touch with him I’d told myself I wouldn’t bother becoming friends
with him again if he had a husband/wife/significant other. It would be too
messy and complicated to be the one from the past who suddenly reappeared.
The Lies
That evening he told me about a long term boyfriend
[let's call him Adrian], except he gave me the impression they hadn’t been
seeing each other that long. He didn’t seem that enamoured of the boyfriend -
it certainly wasn't an exclusive thing - and he obviously didn’t live there so
I let that one pass. I asked, jokingly, “Did you have other girlfriends like
me?” He looked straight at me and said, “No, only you.” I fell for that one.
Red flag. I don’t think there was another girl exactly like me because I was
the “almost” but I was replaced by [let's call her Lydia] and she is a big
commitment. He runs when she calls. That, and the “busy” thing caused a lot of
arguments. There were more lies as time went on and I was able to spot them but
I was out of practice that day.
Looking back – did we lose touch or was I discarded and replaced? Harry was
very cagey when we did the maths and it turned out Lydia had come along just
after we “lost touch”. Of course I wouldn't even have known about her if he
hadn't felt the need to taunt me all the time with stories of their times
together, their trips, the shared birthdays that he'd promised me years before.
She, on the other hand, was never told about me because he didn't want to upset
her. Does Blogger have an eye-rolling emoticon?
The Good Times?
We had a fine time with phone calls, messages, photos back and forth (always
with the “busy busy” though). We had long giggly conversations as if there
hadn't been a 40 year gap in our close friendship. He told me about some
some sad and difficult times in his life and I thought I was there to help him.
I believed God had brought us together so we could help each other. Had there
really been sad times or was that more lies and manipulation?
Looking back while editing this post it strikes me
the "good times" constitute a somewhat short paragraph. Oh dear. But
those good times did bring me a lot of joy. It was an illusion but nevertheless
joy and I rarely use that word.
The Big Row and a Chance to Escape
Next red flag and it was a real doozie. I have no
idea how to spell that word…
One day when we were with him I’d suggested he come and stay with us for a few
days. A date was mentioned. Fairly specific, something like “second week of
August”. When we discussed it later there was a massive row. I was accused of
taking up too much of his time (“busy” red flag). He said he hadn’t discussed
anything about coming to stay (gaslighting red flag).
Big row. He yelled. I cried. I told him I was
worried he would hurt me and he completely lost it. “How dare you say that to
me? If you think I would ever hurt you this is over” in a deep booming,
hectoring voice that triggered me due to a previous horrible time with a work
colleague. I felt I was about to be physically attacked even though he was 100
miles away and it was very distressing.
Red flag: “I would never hurt you”. Who says that?
Ever. To anyone. Most people would never need to say that unless they were
rescuing an animal that had fallen down a well.
There was much hanging up and a kind of
reconciliation but then came the snitty formal messages that I was required to
get used to. It was the beginning of the trauma bond and I should have got out
but couldn’t. I missed him, or rather I missed the friend I thought I’d
reconnected with. I called him two weeks later (stupid, stupid…) and he seemed
delighted to hear from me. Trapped! Reg flag missed. He'd shown his true
colours and I was still there.
Did he actually care about me?
I started to become seriously ill with long Covid
and associated problems a couple of weeks later. One of the many
doctors-who-couldn't-fix-it blamed the trauma of that row.
I was ill for months and Harry was supportive but
enough red flags to make a string of bunting were fluttering in the breeze. He
was always keen to tell me about how he supported his friends. He had so many
friends with cancer I very meanly suggested he trawled the oncology wards in
search of them. I didn’t want to be a “project” so I was glad of his concern
but resisted telling him too much. His “busyness” was often tales of his sick
friends or the charity work he was doing. You can tell from his Facebook page
that all his charity work is essentially about him.
Massive red flag: This is how the covert narcissist
works. Always very concerned about caring for their friends – anyone except the
“supply”, that is. Always telling you about their good works. I thought this
was odd – and not very classy - but glossed over it. I used to tell
him to put the list of his busy charity work on a t-shirt to save him typing
it.
As you can imagine, losing Mum, being ill and
moving house brought their share of problems but Harry was never interested. He
would shut me down by telling me I was causing him anxiety. I thought I was
dying but God forbid it should cause him anxiety! He was a great purveyor of
toxic positivity even towards one of his friends who was in fact dying. Saying
“Stop being negative” or “you should be positive” in the face of someone’s
troubles is really inappropriate. From the narcissist’s point of view it’s a great
way of shutting you down. They don’t care about you, why should they listen to
your problems?
There was a very odd moment the first time we got back together. He was telling
me of a financial issue that, as a retired accountant, I could see was of his
own making. I tried to be supportive and offer advice. When the conversation
changed to discussing some problem I’d had he kind of switched off and looked
around the room. It wasn’t about him so he wasn’t interested. It was odd. I
didn’t think I could be boring him as I’d only got about three sentences
out. This is a common red flag to watch out for when you first meet a
narcissist.
There was a row when I called him out on the
replacement girlfriend. He turned that around and told me I was the most
stressed out person he’d ever met and “you’ve been stressy ever since we got
back together”. Well, I lost my mother, I had a serious illness and I moved
house two weeks ago but thanks for noticing!
Narcissists will always bat it back and blame you,
whatever the issue under discussion. I was worn out from the move so didn’t
engage with him that time. The constant blowing hot and cold was so
confusing and exhausting. Harry would adore me one week then ignore me the
next, indeed it could change from day to day.
Busy? Avoidant? Just Plain Selfish?
The busy thing bugged me so much I can't find
enough wordsmith in me to describe it. Harry doesn't do a lot of work. Why
should he? He's past retirement age. He has no family responsibilities. He says
he's lonely but he resents time spent with people. He complained about me
taking up his time. He complained about Adrian and Lydia taking up his time. He
complained about his business clients taking up his time. It drove me
barmy.
He had no problems taking up other people's time
though. At one time he had three or four of us working on his marketing. It
didn't bother me, I enjoyed doing it, but I was aware that he was using the
free services of self-employed people with no qualms about taking up their time
and affecting their business. "They said they wanted to help". Penny
dropped and I realised I'd had other narcissists in my life who constantly did
that. It's a very bad way to do business but it's part of exploiting
people that narcissists seem to enjoy.
Since I know a lot about time management - a big part of life for accountants -
I tried to help him with it again and again. I'd waste my own time
explaining things like the urgent-important matrix. It was impossible. He'd
tell me he missed a date with someone he liked because he was fifty miles away
at the time. Was he kidnapped by fairies and taken to another town? No, he
arranged to be there in the wrong place all by himself. I don't know if this is
avoidant behaviour. I read a bit about that in my interminable reading about
narcissism but I'm afraid my unsympathetic view of avoidant people would be
"Bye bye!" Who can be doing with that?
Harry put me in the position of having to beg for his time, his attention. It
was so annoying. Soul destroying, even. Why did I let him do that? It was a
bunting shop's worth of red flags. All part of his seemingly planned chaos. I
did once accuse him of being addicted to chaos and he got into a rage, rather
in the manner of someone who'd been accused of that before.
The Lack of Accountability
Nothing is the narcissist's fault. Ever. It has to
be your fault. Or someone else's fault but mostly, for the purposes of this
discussion, yours.
I knew about Harry's delightful Zero Accountability
"quirk" over 40 years ago, I just didn't know what it was called or
how pervasive it was. We used to joke about all his drama and
disasters. Everything seemed to be against him. Clearly a lack of
accountability but I couldn’t see it.
He came to a family wedding with me back in 1980 - very confusing for the
elderly aunts who thought we were next up the aisle - and told my Dad a
tale of woe about everything going wrong. Dad later said, “He’s a lovely chap
but there’s something wrong with him. He makes poor decisions then blames other
people even if he was the only one in the room.”
He didn’t often apologise or there would be a
British Rail apology – we’re sorry IF our trains are running late. The fake
apologies were confusing though. He’d sent me a vile audio message on the
morning I was due to have eye surgery. Apparently I was daring to waste his
time and needed to "change my attitude" . Who does that to a friend
about to leave for the hospital? Someone who can't stand that the day isn't
about him! I was furious and determined to get rid of him that very day but he
called me with what appeared to be a sincere apology. It wasn’t, of course, it
just reeled me back in.
If ever I tackled Harry about his lack of
accountability he'd have the look of a six year old trying to understand
quantum physics. Ok, anyone other than Sheldon Cooper trying to understand
quantum physics. He once said, “I don’t know why people keep telling me I lack
accountability” Well, duh.
It’s the lack of accountability that destroys the relationship in the end. It
doesn’t make logical sense and why should the other person take the blame?
“I love you and would never hurt you”
Harry came to stay with us for a few days last
summer. We'd worked really hard to get our spare room ready and I was so
pleased to have him as our first guest but the visit didn’t start very well. On
the first morning after he arrived - late, of course, since other people's time
doesn't matter and "other things got put in the diary" - he took
himself off for a walk to revisit the places he goes to with Lydia. Where we
live is their favourite place to come on holiday (cue awkwardness in future years…
) It was downright weird.
We had a few full and frank discussions while he
was with us that made me fear losing my Girl Guide hostess badge. His repeated
"you have to take me as I am" mantra made me want to give an
unladylike two word response with the addendum "and the horse you rode in
on". Big red flag. Why would someone be so intransigent? Surely we should
all do better?
During this weekend Harry seemed very concerned
when I threatened to walk away from the relationship and he kept telling me
over and over again that he loved me. When I gave in and said it back he seemed
thrilled and told me he'd never hurt me. Of course he was thrilled, he
had control back. Again with the strange "I would never hurt you." He
hurt me more than anyone ever has - and I've known some awful people in my
life.
The Devaluation
From that point I could see I was being “devalued”
– the guy is a textbook narcissist after all - and he wanted to end it. He
treated me more and more like a nuisance. It was making me thoroughly miserable
so I also wanted to end it but couldn’t do it. I was stuck in the trauma bond.
Something else I’ve had to learn about.
We had fewer and fewer conversations and when I
tried to arrange some time together during a week in Warwick – dates chosen by
him and the plan including a meeting he wanted with one of my friends – he
declared he couldn’t give us more than a couple of hours. If my husband hadn’t
been ill and the landlords kindly agreed to move the dates we would have wasted
£800. We clearly didn’t matter at all to Harry. As it was we had a great time
in his local a couple of months later when he was thousands of miles away.
The Discard
Last December I did something a narcissist will
never allow. I stood up for myself. I set a few boundaries and dared to ask for
some of his time on my big birthday. He wouldn't speak to me. The famous silent
treatment. There was a futile exchange of emails and texts. Then there was a
very abusive phone call. He got into a complete rage, a temper tantrum worthy
of a three year old and all but congratulated himself on being able to make me
cry. Vile. Just vile.
I had no idea what a narcissist "discard"
was. I didn't even know what the silent treatment punishment was about. Being a
complete idiot I tried to put things right by apologising for my part. This is
what narcissists do: they get you to apologise for their abuse. He told me I
had been unpleasant and he was taking a break until the New Year. He said he'd
call me before he left for New Zealand. He didn't bother. His snidey texts
included phrases like “I’m protecting my peace” and “I must protect my mental
health” Translation: “I will never take accountability”. This weaponised
therapy-speak made me wonder if Harry is the type of narcissist who goes to
therapy to learn how to be a better narcissist.
Harry swanned off on his annual two month holiday
(really – what self employed person does that?) and other than nasty, arrogant
texts where he projected everything onto me that HE was doing I never heard
from him again. Narcissists often “hoover” you back but apparently this doesn’t
happen when you’ve called them out on their narcissistic behaviour and have
thereby become their mortal enemy. And at this point, after hours of therapy, I
can say, “Thank God for that”.
The Pain
At the time, though, I’d lost my dearest friend. There was no “closure”, no
later phone call – kind or otherwise – just the abusive call and a few messages
to keep me hanging on when he had no intention of ever talking to me again.
"Yes, of course we can be friends but it might not be what you hope
for" Can we spell ARROGANT ..... ? I won't type the second word as I don't
want to lose my Blogger account.
There wasn't even a fake apology. How hard would it have been to say "I'm
sorry I yelled at you but I don't think it's working for us"? Oh, wait,
the previous time he'd yelled on the phone it was because I'd apparently made
him do it. Madness.
I’d been discarded, just thrown out with the
rubbish. And then blamed for all of it. Apparently I had robbed him of joy and
happiness and any message from me would "spoil [his] whole day". How
rude and, really, are we a little princess? I cried for months. Meanwhile he
was glad to be rid of me.
Was the whole thing an elaborate charade on his
part? When we “lost touch” back in 1980 was that my first discard? Did he ever
care about me when I was ill? Does he ever care? About anyone?
The Aftermath
I'm mad that I was manipulated, obviously. I'm mad
that there have been zero consequences for him. I was devastated and he just
went on holiday and had a good time, no doubt manipulating and exploiting
people the other side of the world. I'm mad that he wasted two years of my life
although they weren't my best years so that's something. I'm mad that he
left me with no good memories, indeed he had a habit of stomping on them to
make sure he ruined them in a mean-spirited way. I'd recall a lovely time we'd
had somewhere and he'd tell me he had a much better time doing that with
someone else. Weird and cruel...
I'm very sad that I lost my friend-that-never-was because I thought we would be
friends forever. I'm still amazed that someone could be so cruel and
continually hurt people and yet have everyone think he's this wonderful
all-round good guy.
Do I hate him? I wish I could hate him, it would
make my life easier but no, I don't, because there's nothing there to hate.
It's like he's one of those blank bodies in science fiction waiting for the
alien to take over. There's no real personality there. It's all fake. What I
feel is complete disgust rather than hate. Apparently in these situations the
victim feels utter disgust, then laughs at the narcissist, then forgets he ever
existed. Looking forward to that process.
Do I forgive him? I might if he ever apologised. So
that's a "no" then.
Would I want him back? Not in a million years and
he had better hope he doesn't run into me during his jolly holidays with Lydia
in "my manor"! No problem, he's a coward and he'll run the other way.
The more I've learned about narcissism the more I've realised that Harry is not
just a narcissist, he's one of the worst kinds - a malignant narcissist. He's
viciously cruel and actually enjoys hurting people. It would be nothing short
of dangerous to allow him into my life again. Narcissists never change. And even
if he did, he wouldn't have time for me. It would be back to unrelenting chaos.
And yet... if he ever needed me I would probably be there for him. I told him
as much in my final text message. I can imagine him sporting his best sneer
reading it because by that stage I was the enemy.
Would he ever want me back? Not unless he was
really desperate and had run out of people to manipulate. He has rewritten the
narrative to protect his fragile ego. I will forever be the bad guy because he
has to be seen as the victim. It's all twisted and, when you think about it,
utterly ludicrous. There is no dealing with these people, it's as if they're
from another planet.
Karma
People say everyone comes into your life for a
reason. I can see no reason at all why this dreadful man came into my life. For
the first time years ago, yes, it was fun but what was the purpose of the last
two years? It did nothing for me other than bring a world of pain and rob me of
my confidence in meeting and trusting other people. Thankfully that confidence
is returning. Was it a question of me being brought into Harry's life for his
sake? Maybe to make him realise how he hurts people? I doubt it as hurting
people is his superpower. Have I saved someone else from the same fate? It
would be nice to think so.
Is there karma for Harry? Who knows? It does seem
that narcissists get away with it. I don't want him to be unhappy because a
part of me will always care for him (how do you unlove someone?) but it doesn't
seem right that he walks away scot free and is able to repeat the pattern with
others.
He's supposedly a Christian and it bothers me a
great deal that a fellow Christian can treat me that badly. His behaviour is a
terrible witness, a big No-No for Christians. The Christian faith is not about
good works but we are called to witness to the presence of Christ in our lives
and narcissistic behaviour certainly does not do that.
Harry is almost 70. He likes people to think
he's in his fifties. His Tinder profile says he's 43. He looks very good for
his age but he won’t be able to maintain that lie. I doubt he
will ever have a long-term relationship apart from with his pair of trained
sycophants. Maybe that’s the karma. Plus that eventual conversation with God,
of course. I like to imagine that Harry gets into Heaven - I wouldn't wish for
the alternative - but there’s an appraisal first which will include the
question, “Why did you treat another child of mine so badly and then have the
gall to pray for her and lie to me?”
How did I allow this to happen?
I grieved for this “friend” for months but what was
I grieving for? Some imaginary friend? Was none of it real? How had I allowed
this situation to go on for so long?
Without doubt there was a lot of deceit and
manipulation by Harry but there were aspects of my life that were making that
manipulation easier for him and worse for me:
1) The first problem was the love I had for him
from years ago. I thought he wanted that friend back. It turns out there just
happened to be a vacancy for a new “supply”. He had a new person to supply
validation. He certainly got some good use out of me helping him with his
business and financial affairs.
2) I somehow glossed over his lack of
accountability.
3) I’m usually a tough cookie but I was vulnerable
due to everything I was going through and needed a friend.
4) I was brought up to believe “you mustn’t stay
bad friends” and you were supposed to put things right. That meant I didn’t
have the benefit of immediately going no contact and the end got dragged out.
From my point of view that is, from his I was simply discarded.
5) I could tell he had mental health problems - I
wasn't sure exactly what - but still thought, as a friend, indeed as an
empath, I should help him. You’d help a friend who was depressed or grieving
just as you’d help a friend with a bad back. The problem is narcissists are so
delusional you can’t help them. They want to blame you and will end up
destroying you.
6) I didn’t know about narcissism and red flags.
Why would I? I should, however, have been able to spot a thoroughly nasty piece
of work but nos 1) - 5) above got in the way.
This brings me to the point of this very long post
which is: Educate yourself, teach your children basic psychology, get it taught
in schools! I plan to bug a lot of people about this...
Spot the red flags and save yourself a shedload of pain. Save yourself from
believing everything is your fault.
Healing
Where am I now?
I think I will always miss my dearest friend despite the monster he became.
Some days I would give anything to have one more conversation with him being
kind and having a laugh even though I know it was all an illusion. I still cry
sometimes.
I have a real problem with being the "bad guy" even if that's just in
Harry's head, probably because I had years of that with my family. It's so
unfair and I can't abide injustice. It rankles. A lot. I've come to a point
where I just repeat to myself: "He's an idiot". Never mind the
narcissism, the mental illness, the evil tendencies... he's an idiot.
I have an issue
with the whole "it all happened as a lesson", "you will grow
through this" etc etc. Really? I didn't want or need to learn about evil
people. I didn't want to "grow", be stronger, "glow up" ...
any of it. I was happy as I was. I might have been going through a tough time
but my life was just fine until I let Harry back into it.
Healing is happening. It's not linear and there are sudden and unplanned forays into the abyss when
I think I haven't healed at all. I come back up.
There is progress. I'm thankful to be free of the
ridiculous chaos, free of the cruelty, free of being made to feel unworthy of
someone's time, free of being unheard. I'm relieved that a smear campaign is
not possible since Harry only met a few of my friends and family and they are
firmly on my side and disgusted with him. There are even some of his former
friends and victims of his exploitation who have sympathised with me, not that
I've sought them out. I'm just glad my parents weren't around to see me go
through the pain he caused.
I'm thankful for my friends - online and in real
life - and especially my understanding and long suffering husband. I'm thankful
for my down-to-earth sensible therapist and a kind church minister who helped
me. I'm thankful for good neighbours in the wonderful place where I live
now. And although the idiot narc has put me off using the P word for
life, I'm positive about the future.
In the meantime the narcissist parades his new
supply on his Facebook page in a somewhat unprofessional manner, as indeed she
does on hers. A mutual society of nobodies unsuccessfully seeking attention.
It's all so predictable and a little bit sad.
I'm acutely aware that my suffering at the hands of
a narcissist is a hill of beans compared to others. If you’re suffering abuse
from a narcissist please make sure you get the right help. Not all therapists
are well versed in it - no-one in any field can specialise in everything
- so find one who is. My therapist is Lorna Dougan from Mind Positive and I can recommend her without hesitation.
