I’m 70 years old.
“71 at date of sailing” according to a recent cruise booking, which is somewhat
irritating. Let me enjoy 70 first! It seems, though, that I have learned very
little about human nature in the last 70 years.
We had lunch
recently with a friend who had just been on a first date. “I asked, “Any red
flags?” and she was amused that I knew what that was, being an old lady married
for 40 years. And, yes, there was one for her. Red flags are something you hear
about from people using dating apps, right? The meaning is kind of obvious but
you don’t pay much attention to it unless you’re in the dating game.
Then one day you
realise you need to pay attention to these in your everyday life or you will
get hurt. And the
one who hurts you is your dearest friend. And you could have avoided all the
pain…
So this is my
story designed to save others from pain. The one who caused the pain will never
read it. He's far too arrogant for that. I should have been journalling regularly
during my months of pain but that was too hard, other than ranting to long
suffering friends on Facebook. Now my story is coloured by what I learned about
narcissism and my sessions with a wonderful therapist. Yes, this person made me
need a therapist after managing for 70 years without one!
What is Narcissism?
It’s actually a
psychological disorder, one that is rarely diagnosed and rarely treatable and
sufferers are on a spectrum to add to the confusion. You can see the official
definitions and criteria for diagnosis HERE.
I’m not going to get into the amateur psycho babble, I’m just going to tell you
about my experiences then you can do your own research. In practice this is
what narcissists do:
- 1) They
reel you in with “love bombing” and mirror you. They seem to like the things
you like etc etc You think they're the best thing since sliced bread but it’s all fake.
- 2) They're completely self-centred. Every single thought and action is about them and you are expected to provide validation and serve their
every need.
- 3) They
have no empathy and do not care what is happening to you, whether it’s problems
in the relationship or your personal problems or illness.
- 4) They exploit you and use your time and skills or even exploit you financially.
- 5) They
cannot take criticism or accept your boundaries. They will declare that you’re “attacking”
them if you try to establish any.
- 6) They
take no accountability for anything even if it is clearly their fault. They will
shift the blame, flip the script, twist everything and gaslight you until YOU take the blame or have
no idea which way is up.
So why would you
tolerate this obnoxious behaviour in a friend? Because you can't see it. They are
master manipulators. Unfortunately in romantic
relationships you don’t get to see it until it’s too late and you’re married with
children.
The Family
Narcissist
I had experience
of narcissism for over 30 years as unfortunately one of my family is a
narcissist. He will make himself look good by putting other people down, he has
no accountability for his words or actions and he’ll make you look bad to
family and friends. This is the “overt” or grandiose narcissist who is
basically so obnoxious you can spot it at 500 yards. Sadly, you can’t do
anything about it other than remove yourself from their orbit entirely. When
my dear mother died I regarded it as her gift that I would no longer have to
deal with this person. It was too late to save things with my family who had heard
me being blamed for everything for over 30 years but they’re mostly dead or
being avoided anyway so all is good.
Losing your family
due to another person’s lies is horrible but I was well on the way to
getting over that when I discovered the next narcissist.
Me and the
Narcissist Friend: Early Days
Several lifetimes
ago I was in my 20s living and working in London. Living in a horrible civil
service hostel in Knightsbridge (now a very expensive boutique hotel). I was
working in the Inland Revenue, as it was then. I went to a church that’s now
very famous – basically I was there in the room when the Alpha course was
invented, that’s how long ago it was. One Sunday someone
sat down next to me and introduced himself. I’m now going to call him Harry.
Not his name, although close in part, and not the name of anyone I know.
Harry and I immediately took to each other and became joined at the hip, to the amusement of those around us. He was in show business. I
understood that as I had a background in theatre since my teens. He was gay and
I understood that too which was quite something for the 1970s. Sadly the church
did not understand or respect it. I was his “girlfriend” at a time when no-one
even blinked at the thought of such a thing. He was my GBF long before that
became a derisory term. We had some great times together without a care in the
world. We loved each other - but I do remember he was a little bit cruel, even then.
We lost touch
around 1980. Too many house moves, not enough phones, email, Google (well, none
of that, obviously). Although watch this space, there could be another reason.
The Reconnection
On a whim, I
googled him back in 2022 and found his Facebook page - he’s a professional
singer. I sent a message. There was no response for a while, then a “let’s exchange
numbers”. I gave him mine and heard nothing. (Retrospective red flag there…
this is a person who can’t really be bothered to connect). Then I saw a video where he
had his phone number on a poster and I called him and left a message. He was
about to go to Australia for two months so we couldn’t meet but started
chatting on WhatsApp, swapping little bits of news and gradually slipping into our old shared sense of humour.
While he was away
my mother passed away and he was very kind, taking time out of his holiday to
send me thoughtful messages while I was up in the middle of the night. My
helpful therapist has since pointed out this made him feel good about himself
and it wasn’t entirely for my benefit. Sad but true – and now very annoying
because it was that perceived kindness that tied me emotionally to this guy
from the moment we reconnected. Harry is the kind of narcissist who appears to
the world to be a caring, lovely, truly wonderful person. The hero - when they're not being the biggest victim in the room. I fell for it.
No Time for Me
Mum’s funeral was
not until March 2023 and he was back in the UK so we arranged to meet. We had rented a house in Warwick - near where Harry lives - for the week of the funeral which was in Birmingham. Red flag coming up...
We have two rules in life:
1) Never watch more than two series of a TV drama. We all know it will descend
into drivel in series 3.
2) Never bother
with “busy” people. They’re rude. If they’re too busy to see us that’s fine,
just go and be busy over there. We’re
both retired accountants used to managing our time and we find people who can’t
or won’t manage their time objectionable. Even worse are the people who aren’t
actually busy. They just don’t want to see you. Avoid at all costs.
After weeks of no
sleep we arranged to get to Warwick early after a
dreadful motorway journey in order to meet Harry. He, in the meantime, had
arranged to be many miles away at a meeting and hadn’t warned us of that. Later on this would happen time and time again as "something else got put in the diary". What kind of person can't work their own diary and not have the courtesy to warn the poor saps already in the diary about clashes?
We had arguments about this constantly, starting with the day we were due to meet. I was tempted to tell him not to bother coming to
meet us at all. That would have saved me a lot of pain.
Narcissists are
worse than the “busy people”. They deliberately invite and spread chaos. It’s
part of their need to control others. Normally this stupid behaviour would make
me run a mile but I was swayed by memories of the lovely time we’d had together
many years before.
Once we finally
got together Harry seemed very supportive and we had a great time with him that
week, including an evening at his place on my birthday. But there was another red flag I
missed. Before I even got in touch with him I’d told myself I wouldn’t bother
becoming friends with him again if he had a husband/wife/significant other. It
would be too messy and complicated to be the one from the past who suddenly reappeared.
The Lies
That evening he told me about a long term boyfriend [let's call him Adrian], except he gave me the
impression they hadn’t been seeing each other that long. He didn’t seem that
enamoured of the boyfriend - it certainly wasn't an exclusive thing - and he obviously didn’t live there so I let that one
pass. I asked, jokingly, “Did you have other girlfriends like me?” He looked
straight at me and said, “No, only you.” I fell for that one. Red flag. I don’t
think there was another girl exactly like me because I was the “almost” but I was replaced by [let's call her Lydia] and she is a big
commitment. He runs when she calls. That, and the “busy” thing caused a lot of
arguments. There were more lies as time went on and I was able to spot them but
I was out of practice that day.
Looking back – did we lose touch or was I discarded and replaced? Harry was
very cagey when we did the maths and it turned out Lydia had come along just after we “lost touch”. Of course I wouldn't even have known about her if he hadn't felt the need to taunt me all the time with stories of their times together, their trips, the shared birthdays that he'd promised me years before. She, on the other hand, was never told about me because he didn't want to upset her. Does Blogger have an eye-rolling emoticon?
The Good Times?
We had a fine time
with phone calls, messages, photos back and forth (always with the “busy busy”
though). We had long giggly conversations as if there hadn't been a 40 year gap in our close friendship. He told me about some some sad and difficult times in his life and I
thought I was there to help him. I believed God had brought us together so we
could help each other. Had there really been sad times or was that more lies and
manipulation?
Looking back while editing this post it strikes me the "good times" constitute a somewhat short paragraph. Oh dear. But those good times did bring me a lot of joy. It was an illusion but nevertheless joy and I rarely use that word.
The Big Row and a Chance to Escape
Next red flag and
it was a real doozie. I have no idea how to spell that word…
One day when we
were with him I’d suggested he come and stay with us for a few days. A date was
mentioned. Fairly specific, something like “second week of August”. When we
discussed it later there was a massive row. I was accused of taking up too much
of his time (“busy” red flag), he said he hadn’t discussed anything about coming
to stay (gaslighting red flag).
Big row. He yelled. I cried. I told him I was
worried he would hurt me and he completely lost it. “How dare you say that to
me? If you think I would ever hurt you this is over” in a deep booming,
hectoring voice that triggered me due to a previous horrible time with a
work colleague. I felt I was about to be physically attacked even though he
was 100 miles away and it was very distressing.
Red flag: “I would
never hurt you”. Who says that? Ever. To anyone. Most people would never need
to say that unless they were rescuing an animal that had fallen down a well.
There was much
hanging up and a kind of reconciliation but then came the snitty formal messages that I was required to get used to. It was the beginning of the trauma
bond and I should have got out but couldn’t. I missed him, or rather I missed
the friend I thought I’d reconnected with. I called him two weeks later
(stupid, stupid…) and he seemed delighted to hear from me. Trapped! Reg flag
missed. He'd shown his true colours and I was still there.
Did he actually care about me?
I started to become seriously
ill with long Covid and associated problems a couple of weeks later. One of the many doctors-who-couldn't-fix-it blamed the trauma of that row.
I was ill for
months and Harry was supportive but enough red flags to make a string of
bunting were fluttering in the breeze. He was always keen to tell me about how
he supported his friends. He had so many friends with cancer I very meanly
suggested he trawled the oncology wards in search of them. I didn’t want to be
a “project” so I was glad of his concern but resisted telling him too much. His
“busyness” was often tales of his sick friends or the charity work he was
doing.
Massive red flag:
This is how the covert narcissist works. Always very concerned about caring for
their friends – anyone except the “supply”, that is. Always telling you about
their good works. I thought this was odd – and not very classy - but glossed
over it. I used to tell him to put the list of his busy charity work on a t-shirt to save him typing it.
As you can
imagine, losing Mum, being ill and moving house brought their share of problems
but Harry was never interested. He would shut me down by telling me I was
causing him anxiety. I thought I was dying but God forbid it should cause him
anxiety! He was a great purveyor of toxic positivity even towards one of his friends
who was in fact dying. Saying “Stop being negative” or “you should be positive”
in the face of someone’s troubles is really inappropriate. From the narcissist’s
point of view it’s a great way of shutting you down. They don’t care about you,
why should they listen to your problems?
There was a very odd moment the first time we got back together. He was telling
me of a financial issue that, as a retired accountant, I could see was of his
own making. I tried to be supportive and offer advice. When the conversation
changed to discussing some problem I’d had he kind of switched off and looked
around the room. It wasn’t about him so he wasn’t interested. It was odd. I
didn’t think I could be boring him as I’d only got about three sentences out.
This is a common red flag to watch out for when you first meet a narcissist.
There was a row
when I called him out on the replacement girlfriend. He turned that around and
told me I was the most stressed out person he’d ever met and “you’ve been
stressy ever since we got back together”. Well, I lost my mother, I had a serious
illness and I moved house two weeks ago but thanks for noticing!
Narcissists will
always bat it back and blame you, whatever the issue under discussion. I was
worn out from the move so didn’t engage with him that time. The constant blowing hot and cold was so confusing and exhausting. Harry would adore me one week then ignore me the next, indeed it could change from day to day.
Busy? Avoidant? Just Plain Selfish?
The busy thing bugged me so much I can't find enough wordsmith in me to describe it. Harry doesn't do a lot of work. Why should he? He's past retirement age. He has no family responsibilities. He says he's lonely but he resents time spent with people. He complained about me taking up his time. He complained about Adrian and Lydia taking up his time. He complained about clients taking up his time. It drove me barmy.
He had no problems taking up other people's time though. At one time he had three or four of us working on his marketing. It didn't bother me, I enjoyed doing it, but I was aware that he was using the free services of self-employed people with no qualms about taking up their time and affecting their business. "They said they wanted to help". Penny dropped and I realised I'd had other narcissists in my life who constantly did that. It's a very bad way to do business but it's part of exploiting people that narcissists seem to enjoy.
Since I know a lot about time management - a big part of life for accountants - I tried to help him with it again and again. I'd waste my own time explaining things like the urgent-important matrix. It was impossible. He'd tell me he missed a date with someone he liked because he was fifty miles away at the time. Was he kidnapped by fairies and taken to another town? No, he arranged to be there in the wrong place all by himself. I don't know if this is avoidant behaviour. I read a bit about that in my interminable reading about narcissism but I'm afraid my unsympathetic view of avoidant people would be "Bye bye!" Who can be doing with that?
Harry put me in the position of having to beg for his time, his attention. It was so annoying. Soul destroying, even. Why did I let him do that? It was a bunting shop's worth of red flags. All part of his seemingly planned chaos. I did once accuse him of being addicted to chaos and he got into a rage, rather in the manner of someone who'd been accused of that before.
The Lack of Accountability
Nothing is the narcissist's fault. Ever. It has to be your fault. Or someone else's fault but mostly, for the purposes of this discussion, yours.
I knew about Harry's delightful Zero Accountability "quirk" over 40 years ago, I just didn't know what it was called or how pervasive it was. We used to joke about all his drama and disasters. Everything seemed to be against him. Clearly a lack of accountability but I couldn’t see it.
He came to a family wedding with me back in 1980 - very confusing for the elderly aunts who thought we were next up the aisle - and told my Dad a tale of woe about everything going wrong. Dad later said, “He’s a lovely chap but there’s something wrong with him. He makes poor decisions then blames other people even if he was the only one in the room.”
He didn’t often apologise or there would be a British Rail apology – we’re sorry IF our trains are running late. The fake apologies were confusing though. He’d sent me a vile audio message on the morning I was due to have eye surgery. Apparently I was daring to waste his time and needed to "change my attitude" . Who does that to a friend about to leave for the hospital? Someone who can't stand that the day isn't about him! I was furious and determined to get rid of him that very day but he called me with what appeared to be a sincere apology. It wasn’t, of course, it just reeled me back in.
If ever I tackled Harry about his lack of accountability he'd have the look of a six year old trying to understand quantum physics. Ok, anyone other than Sheldon Cooper trying to understand quantum physics. He once said, “I don’t know why people keep telling me I lack accountability” Well, duh.
It’s the lack of accountability that destroys the relationship in the end. It doesn’t make logical sense and why should the other person take the blame?
“I love you and
would never hurt you”
Harry came to stay
with us for a few days last summer. We'd worked really hard to get our spare room ready and I was so pleased to have him as our first
guest but the visit didn’t start very well. On the first morning after he arrived - late, of course, since other people's time doesn't matter and "other things got put in the diary" - he took
himself off for a walk to revisit the places he goes to with Lydia. Where we live is their favourite place to come on holiday (cue
awkwardness in future years… ) It was downright weird.
We had a few full and frank discussions while he was with us that made me fear losing my Girl Guide hostess badge. His repeated "you have to take me as I am" mantra made me want to give an unladylike two word response with the addendum "and the horse you rode in on". Big red flag.
Why would someone be so intransigent? Surely we should all do better?
During this
weekend Harry seemed very concerned when I threatened to walk away from the relationship and he kept telling
me over and over again that he loved me. When I gave in and said it back he seemed
thrilled and told me he'd never hurt me. Of course he
was thrilled, he had control back. Again with the strange "I would never hurt you." He hurt me more than anyone ever has - and I've known some awful people in my life.
The Devaluation
From that point I
could see I was being “devalued” – the guy is a textbook narcissist after all -
and he wanted to end it. He treated me more and more like a nuisance. It was making me thoroughly miserable so I also wanted
to end it but couldn’t do it. I was stuck in the trauma bond. Something else
I’ve had to learn about.
We had fewer and
fewer conversations and when I tried to arrange some time together during a
week in Warwick – dates chosen by him and the plan including a meeting he
wanted with one of my friends – he declared he couldn’t give us more than a
couple of hours. If my husband hadn’t been ill and the landlords kindly agreed
to move the dates we would have wasted £800. We clearly didn’t matter at all to
Harry. As it was we had a great time in Warwick a couple of months later when he was thousands of miles away.
The Discard
Last December I did something a
narcissist will never allow. I stood up for myself. I set a few boundaries and
dared to ask for some of his time on my big birthday. He wouldn't speak to me. The famous silent treatment. There was a futile exchange of emails and texts. Then there was a very abusive
phone call. He got into a complete rage, a temper tantrum worthy of a three
year old and all but congratulated himself on being able to make me cry. Vile.
Just vile.
I had no idea what a narcissist "discard" was. I didn't even know what the silent treatment punishment was about. Being a complete
idiot I tried to put things right by apologising for my part. This is what narcissists do: they get you to apologise for their abuse. He told me I had
been unpleasant and he was taking a break until the New Year. He said he'd call me before he left for New Zealand. He didn't bother. His snidey texts
included phrases like “I’m protecting my peace” and “I must protect my mental health” Translation:
“I will never take accountability”. This weaponised therapy-speak made me
wonder if Harry is the type of narcissist who goes to therapy to learn how to
be a better narcissist.
Harry swanned off
on his annual two month holiday (really – what self employed person does that?)
and other than nasty, arrogant texts where he projected everything onto me that HE was
doing I never heard from him again. Narcissists often “hoover” you back but
apparently this doesn’t happen when you’ve called them out on their narcissistic
behaviour and have thereby become their mortal enemy. And at this point, after hours of therapy, I can say, “Thank God for that”.
The Pain
At the time, though, I’d lost my dearest friend. There was no “closure”, no later phone call – kind or otherwise – just the abusive call and a few messages to
keep me hanging on when he had no intention of ever talking to me again. "Yes, of course we can be friends but it might not be what you hope for" Can we spell ARROGANT ..... ? I won't type the second word as I don't want to lose my Blogger account.
There wasn't even a fake apology. How hard would it have been to say "I'm sorry I yelled at you but I don't think it's working for us"? Oh, wait, the previous time he'd yelled on the phone it was because I'd apparently made him do it. Madness.
I’d
been discarded, just thrown out with the rubbish. And then blamed for all of
it. I cried for months. Meanwhile he was glad to be rid of me.
Was the whole
thing an elaborate charade on his part? When we “lost touch” back in
1980 was that my first discard? Did he ever care about me when I was ill? Does
he care about anyone when they’re ill?
The Aftermath
I'm mad that I was manipulated, obviously. I'm mad that there were no consequences for him. I was devastated and he just went on holiday and had a good time, no doubt manipulating and exploiting people the other side of the world. I'm mad that he wasted two years of my life although they weren't my best years so that's something. I'm mad that he left me with no good memories, indeed he had a habit of stomping on them to make sure he ruined them in a mean-spirited way. I'd recall a lovely time we'd had somewhere and he'd tell me he had a much better time doing that with someone else. Weird and cruel...
I'm very sad that I lost my friend-that-never-was because I thought we would be friends forever. I'm still amazed that someone could be so cruel and continually hurt people and yet have everyone think he's this wonderful all-round good guy.
Do I hate him? I wish I could hate him, it would make my life easier but no, I don't, because there's nothing there to hate. It's like he's one of those blank bodies in science fiction waiting for the alien to take over. There's no real personality there. It's all fake. What I feel is disgust rather than hate.
Do I forgive him? I might if he ever apologised. So that's a "no" then.
Would I want him back? Not in a million years and he had better hope he doesn't run into me during his jolly holidays with Lydia in "my manor"! No problem, he's a coward and he'll run the other way. And yet... if he ever needed me I would probably be there for him. I told him as much in my final text message. I can imagine him sporting his best sneer reading it because by that stage I was the enemy.
Would he ever want me back? Not unless he was really desperate. He has rewritten the narrative to protect his fragile ego. I will forever be the bad guy because he has to be seen as the victim. It's all twisted and, when you think about it, utterly ludicrous. There is no dealing with these people, it's as if they're from another planet.
Karma
People say everyone comes into your life for a reason. I can see no reason at all why this dreadful man came into my life. For the first time years ago, yes, it was fun but what was the purpose of the last two years? It did nothing for me other than bring a world of pain and rob me of my confidence in meeting and trusting other people. Thankfully that confidence is returning. Was it a question of me being brought into Harry's life for his sake? Maybe to make him realise how he hurts people? I doubt it as hurting people is his superpower. Have I saved someone else from the same fate? It would be nice to think so.
Is there karma for Harry? Who knows? It does seem that narcissists get away with
it. I don't want him to be unhappy because a part of me will always care for him (how do you unlove someone?) but it doesn't seem right that he walks away scot free.
He's supposedly a Christian and it bothers me a great deal that a fellow Christian
can treat me that badly. His behaviour is a terrible witness, a big No-No for
Christians. The Christian faith is not about good works but we are called to witness to the presence of Christ in our lives and narcissistic behaviour certainly does not do that.
Harry is almost 70. He likes people to think he's in his fifties. His Tinder profile says he's 43. He looks very good for his age but
he won’t be able to maintain that lie. I
doubt he will ever have a long-term relationship apart from with his pair of trained sycophants. Maybe that’s the karma. Plus that eventual conversation
with God, of course. I like to imagine that Harry gets into Heaven - I wouldn't wish for the alternative - but there’s
an appraisal first which will include the question, “Why did you treat another
child of mine so badly and then have the gall to pray for her and lie to me?”
How did I allow this to happen?
I grieved for this
“friend” for months but what was I grieving for? Some imaginary friend? Was
none of it real? How had I allowed this situation to go on for so long?
Without doubt there was a lot of deceit and manipulation by Harry but there were aspects of my life that were making that manipulation easier for him and worse for me:
1) The first problem was the love I had for him from years ago. I thought he
wanted that friend back. It turns out there just happened to be a vacancy for a
new “supply”. He had a new person to supply validation. He certainly got some good use out of me helping him with his business and financial affairs.
2) I somehow glossed over his lack of accountability.
3) I’m usually a
tough cookie but I was vulnerable due to everything I was going through and
needed a friend.
4) I was brought
up to believe “you mustn’t stay bad friends” and you were supposed to put things
right. That meant I didn’t have the benefit of immediately going no contact and the end
got dragged out. From my point of view that is, from his I was simply discarded.
5) I could tell he
had mental health problems - I wasn't sure exactly what - but still thought, as a friend, indeed as an empath,
I should help him. You’d help a friend who was depressed or grieving just as
you’d help a friend with a bad back. The problem is narcissists are so
delusional you can’t help them. They want to blame you and will end up destroying
you.
6) I didn’t know
about narcissism and red flags. Why would I? I should, however, have been able
to spot a thoroughly nasty piece of work but nos 1) - 5) above got in the way.
This brings me to
the point of this very long post which is: Educate yourself, teach your
children basic psychology, get it taught in schools! Spot the red flags and
save yourself a shedload of pain. Save yourself from believing everything is
your fault.
Healing
Where am I now? I think I will always miss my dearest friend despite the monster he became. Some days I would give anything to have one more conversation with him being kind and having a laugh even though I know it was all an illusion. I still cry sometimes. I have a real problem with being the "bad guy" even if that's just in Harry's head, probably because I had years of that with my family. It's so unfair and I can't abide injustice.
There is progress though. I'm thankful to be free of the sheer madness, free of the cruelty, free of being made to feel unworthy of someone's time. I'm relieved that a smear campaign is not possible since Harry only met a few of my friends and family and they are firmly on my side and disgusted with him. There are even some of his former friends and victims of his exploitation who sympathise with me, not that I've sought them out. I'm just glad my parents weren't around to see me go through the pain he caused.
I'm thankful for my friends - online and in real life - and especially my understanding and long suffering husband. I'm thankful for my down-to-earth sensible therapist and a kind church minister who helped me. I'm thankful for good neighbours in the wonderful place where I live now. And although the idiot narc has put me off using the P word for life, I'm positive about the future.
I'm acutely aware that my suffering at the hands of a narcissist is a hill of beans compared to others. If you’re
suffering abuse from a narcissist please make sure you get the right help. Not
all therapists are well versed in it so find one who is. My therapist is Lorna Dougan
from Mind Positive and I can recommend her without hesitation.
