I’m 70 years old. “71 at date of sailing” according to a recent cruise booking, which is somewhat irritating. Let me enjoy 70 first! It seems, though, that I have learned very little about human nature in the last 70 years.
Then one day you realise you need to pay attention to these in your everyday life or you will get hurt by a narcissist. Get hurt at 70? Oh yes, it can still get you. And the one who hurts you is your dearest friend. And you could have avoided all the pain…
So this is my story designed to save others from pain. The one who caused the pain will never read it. Far too arrogant for that. I should have been journalling regularly during my months of pain but that was too hard, other than ranting to long suffering friends on Facebook. Now my story is coloured by what I learned about narcissism and my sessions with a wonderful therapist. Yes, this person made me need a therapist after managing for 70 years without one!
What is Narcissism?
It’s actually a
psychological disorder, one that is rarely diagnosed and rarely treatable and
sufferers are on a spectrum to add to the confusion. You can see the official
definitions and criteria for diagnosis here.
I’m not going to get into the amateur psycho babble, I’m just going to tell you
about my experiences then you can do your own research. In practice this is
what narcissists do:
- 1) They
reel you in with “love bombing” and mirror you. They seem to like the things
you like etc etc It’s all fake.
- 2) They think
only of themselves and you are expected to provide validation and serve their
every need.
- 3) They
have no empathy and do not care what is happening to you, whether it’s problems
in the relationship or your personal problems or illness.
- 4) They exploit you and use your time and skills or even exploit you financially.
- 5) They
cannot take criticism or accept your boundaries. They will declare that you’re “attacking”
them if you try to do this.
- 6) They take no accountability for anything even if it is clearly their fault and will blame-shift, flip the script and gaslight you until YOU take the blame or have no idea which way is up.
So why would you tolerate this obnoxious behaviour in a friend? The answer is because they are master manipulators and you can’t see it. Unfortunately in romantic relationships you don’t get to see it until it’s too late and you’re married with children.
The Family Narcissist
I had experience of narcissism for over 30 years as unfortunately one of my family is a narcissist. He will make himself look good by putting other people down, he has no accountability for his words or actions and he’ll make you look bad to family and friends. This is the “overt” or grandiose narcissist who is basically so obnoxious you can spot it at 500 yards. Sadly, you can’t do anything about it other than remove yourselves from their orbit entirely. When my dear mother died I regarded it as her gift that I would no longer have to deal with this person. It was too late to save things with my family who had heard me being blamed for everything for over 30 years but they’re mostly dead or being avoided anyway so all is good.
Losing your family due to another person’s lies is not very nice but I was well on the way to getting over that when I discovered the next narcissist.
Me and the Narcissist Friend: Early Days
Several lifetimes ago I was in my 20s living and working in London. Living in a horrible civil service hostel in Knightsbridge (now a very expensive boutique hotel). I was working in the Inland Revenue, as it was then. I went to a church that’s now very famous – basically I was there in the room when the Alpha course was invented, that’s how long ago it was. I met a lot of people. One day someone sat down next to me and introduced himself. I’m now going to call him Harry. Not his name, although close in part, and not the name of anyone I know.
Harry and I got on immediately and were joined at the hip for months. He was in show business. I understood that as I had a background in theatre since my teens. He was gay and I understood that too which was quite something for the 1970s. Sadly the church did not understand or respect it. I was his “girlfriend” at a time when no-one even blinked at the thought of such a thing. He was my GBF long before that became a derisory term. We had some great times together without a care in the world. We loved each other - but I do remember he was a little bit cruel, even then.
We lost touch around 1980. Too many house moves, not enough phones, email, Google (well, none of that, obviously). Although watch this space, there could be another reason.
The Reconnection
On a whim, I googled him back in 2022 and found his Facebook page (he’s a professional singer). I sent a message, no response for a while, then a “let’s exchange numbers”. I gave him mine and heard nothing. [Retrospective red flag there… this person can’t really be bothered to connect] Then I saw a video where he had his phone number on a poster and I called him and left a message. He was about to go to Australia for two months so we couldn’t meet but started chatting on WhatsApp, swapping little bits of news.
While he was away
my mother passed away and he was very kind, taking time out of his holiday to
send me thoughtful messages while I was up in the middle of the night. My
helpful therapist has since pointed out this made him feel good about himself
and it wasn’t entirely for my benefit. Sad but true – and now very annoying
because it was that perceived kindness that tied me emotionally to this guy
from the moment we reconnected. Harry is the kind of narcissist who appears to
the world to be a caring, lovely, truly wonderful person and I fell for it.
No Time for Me
Mum’s funeral was
not until March 2023 so we arranged to meet during that week. We had rented a house in Warwick - near where Harry lives - for the week of the funeral. Now here comes what we know now is
a big red flag. We have two rules in life:
1) Never watch more than two series of a TV drama. We all know it will descend
into drivel in series 3.
2) Never bother with “busy” people. They’re rude. If they’re too busy to see us that’s fine, just go and be busy over there. We’re both retired accountants used to managing our time and we find people who can’t or won’t manage their time objectionable. Even worse are the people who aren’t actually busy. They just don’t want to see you. Avoid at all costs.
After weeks of no sleep we arranged to get to Warwick early after a dreadful motorway journey in order to meet Harry. He, in the meantime, had arranged to be miles away at a meeting and hadn’t warned us of that. So we started off with an argument. I was tempted to tell him not to bother coming to meet us. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
Narcissists are worse than the “busy people”. They deliberately invite and spread chaos. It’s part of their need to control others. Normally this stupid behaviour would make me run away but I was swayed by memories of the lovely time we’d had together many years before.
Once we finally
got together Harry was very supportive and we had a lovely time with him that
week, including an evening on my birthday. But there was another red flag I
missed. Before I even got in touch with him I’d told myself I wouldn’t bother
becoming friends with him again if he had a husband/wife/significant other. It
would be too messy and complicated to be one from the past who suddenly reappeared.
The Lies
That evening he told me about a long term boyfriend, except he gave me the
impression they hadn’t been seeing each other that long. He didn’t seem that
enamoured of the boyfriend and he obviously didn’t live there so I let that one
pass. I asked, jokingly, “Did you have other girlfriends like me?” He looked
straight at me and said, “No, only you.” I fell for that one. RED FLAG. I don’t
think there was another girl like me because I was the “almost” but there was a
“replacement” for me acquired just after we lost touch and she is a big
commitment. He runs when she calls. That, and the “busy” thing caused a lot of
arguments. There were more lies as time went on and I was able to spot them but
I was out of practice that day.
Looking back – did we lose touch or was I discarded and replaced? Harry was
very cagey when we did the maths and it turned out the replacement came along
just after we “lost touch”.
We had a fine time with phone calls, messages, photos back and forth (always with the “busy busy” though). He said he’d had some sad and difficult times in his life and I thought I was there to help him. I believed God had brought us together so we could help each other. But had he had sad times or was that more lies and manipulation?
The Big Row and Chance to Escape
Next RED FLAG and it was a real doozie. I have no idea how to spell that word… One day when we were with him I’d suggested he come and stay with us for a few days. A date was mentioned. Fairly specific, something like “second week of August”. When we discussed it later there was a massive row. I was accused of taking up too much of his time (“busy” red flag), he said hadn’t discussed anything about coming to stay (gaslighting red flag). Big row. He yelled. I cried. I told him I was worried he would hurt me and he completely lost it. “How dare you say that to me? If you think I would ever hurt you this is over” in a deep booming, hectoring voice that triggered me due to a previous horrible time with a business colleague. I felt I was about to be physically attacked even though he was 100 miles away and it was very distressing.
Red flag: “I would never hurt you”. Who says that? Ever? To anyone? Most people would never need to say that unless they were rescuing an animal that had fallen down a well.
There was much hanging up and a kind of reconciliation but then came the snitty formal messages that I was required to get used to. It was the beginning of the trauma bond and I should have got out but couldn’t. I missed him, or rather I missed the friend I thought I’d reconnected with. I called him two weeks later (stupid, stupid…) and he seemed thrilled to hear from me. Trapped! Reg flag missed. He'd shown his true colours and I was still there.
Caring for me?
I was seriously ill with long Covid and associated problems a couple of weeks later. One of my many doctors blamed the trauma of that row.
I was ill for months and Harry was supportive but enough red flags to make a string of bunting were fluttering in the breeze. He was always keen to tell me about how he supported his friends. He had so many friends with cancer I very meanly suggested he trawled the oncology wards in search of them. I didn’t want to be a “project” so I was glad of his concern but resisted telling him too much. His “busyness” was often tales of his sick friends or the charity work he was doing.
Massive red flag: This is how the covert narcissist works. Always very concerned about caring for their friends – anyone except the “supply”, that is. Always telling you about their good works. I thought this was odd – and not very classy - but glossed over it.
As you can
imagine, losing Mum, being ill and moving house brought their share of problems
but Harry was never interested. He would shut me down by telling me I was
causing him anxiety. I thought I was dying but God forbid it should cause him
anxiety! He was a great purveyor of toxic positivity even towards one of his friends
who was in fact dying. Saying “Stop being negative” or “you should be positive”
in the face of someone’s troubles is really obnoxious. From the narcissist’s
point of view it’s a great way of shutting you down. They don’t care about you,
why should they listen to your problems?
There was a very odd moment the first time we got back together. He was telling
me of a financial issue that – as a retired accountant – I could see was of his
own making but I tried to be supportive and offer advice. When the conversation
changed to discussing some problem I’d had he kind of switched off and looked
around the room. It wasn’t about him so he wasn’t interested. It was odd. I
didn’t think I could be boring him as I’d only got about three sentences out.
This is a common red flag to watch out for when you first meet a narcissist.
There was a row when I called him out on the replacement girlfriend. He turned that around and told me I was the most stressed out person he’d ever met and “you’ve been stressy ever since we got back together”. Well, I lost my mother, I had a serious illness and I moved house two weeks ago but thanks for noticing!
Narcissists will always bat it back and blame you, whatever the issue under discussion. I was exhausted from the move so didn’t engage with him that time.
“I love you and would never hurt you”
Harry came to stay with us for a few days last summer. I was thrilled to have him as our first guest but the visit didn’t start very well. On our first morning he took himself off for a walk to revisit the places he goes to with the other girlfriend. Where we live is their favourite place to come on holiday. Cue awkwardness in future years… it was downright weird.
We had a couple of full and frank discussions while he was with us with me threatening a two word somewhat unladylike response to his frequent “take me as I am”. Big red flag. Why would someone be so intransigent? Surely we should all do better?
During this weekend Harry seemed very concerned that I might “walk away” and kept telling me he loved me over and over. When I gave in and said it back he seemed thrilled – but again with the “I would never hurt you” red flag. Of course he was thrilled, he had control back.
The Devaluation
From that point I could see I was being “devalued” – the guy is a textbook narcissist after all - and he wanted to end it. He treated me more and more like a nuisance. I also wanted to end it but couldn’t do it. I was stuck in the trauma bond. Something else I’ve had to learn about.
We had fewer and fewer conversations and when I tried to arrange some time together during a week in Warwick – dates chosen by him and the week including a meeting he wanted with one of my friends – he declared he couldn’t give us more than a couple of hours. If my husband hadn’t been ill and the landlords kindly agreed to move the dates we would have wasted £800. We clearly didn’t matter at all to Harry. As it was we had a great time in Warwick a couple of months later when he was away.
The Discard
I did the thing a narcissist will never allow. I stood up for myself, set a few boundaries and dared to ask for some of his time on my big birthday. There was a very abusive phone call. He got into a complete rage, a temper tantrum worthy of a three year old and all but congratulated himself on being able to make me cry. Vile. Just vile.
Being a complete
idiot I tried to put things right by apologizing for my part. He told me I had
been unpleasant and he was taking a break until the New Year. His snidey texts
included “I’m protecting my peace” and “I must protect my mental health” Translation:
“I will never take accountability”. This weaponised therapy-speak made me
wonder if Harry is the type of narcissist who goes to therapy to learn how to
be a better narcissist.
Harry swanned off on his annual two month holiday (really – what self employed person does that?) and other than nasty texts where he projected everything onto me that he was doing I never heard from him again. Narcissists often “hoover” you back but apparently this doesn’t happen when you’ve called them out on their narcissistic behaviour and have thereby become their mortal enemy. And at this point, after hours of therapy, I can say, “Thank God for that”.
The Pain
At the time, though, I’d lost my dearest friend. There was no “closure”, no
phone call – kind or otherwise – just the abusive call and a few messages to
keep me hanging on when he had no intention of ever talking to me again. I’d
been discarded, just thrown out with the rubbish. And then blamed for all of
it.
It’s the lack of accountability that destroys the relationship in the end. It doesn’t make logical sense and why should the other person take the blame?
Was the whole relationship an elaborate charade on his part? When we “lost touch” back in 1980 was that my first discard? Did he ever care about me when I was ill? Does he care about anyone when they’re ill?
The Aftermath
I'm mad that I was manipulated, obviously. I'm mad that there were no consequences for him. I was distraught and he just went on holiday and had a good time, no doubt manipulating people the other side of the world. I'm mad that he wasted two years of my life although they weren't my best years so that's something. I'm mad that he left me with no good memories, indeed he had a habit of stomping on them to make sure he ruined them. Weird and cruel...
I'm very sad that I lost my friend-that-never-was because I thought we would be friends forever. I'm still amazed that someone could be so cruel and continually hurt people and yet have everyone think he's this wonderful all-round good guy.
Do I hate him? No, because there's nothing there to hate. It's like he's one of those blank bodies in science fiction waiting for the alien to take over. There's no real personality there. It's all fake. What I feel is disgust rather than hate.
Would I want him back? Not in a million years and he had better hope he doesn't run into me during his jolly holidays with the girlfriend in "my manor"! No problem, he's a coward and he'll run the other way.
Is there Karma?
Is there karma for Harry? Who knows? It does seem that narcissists get away with
it. He's supposedly a Christian and it bothers me a great deal that a fellow Christian
can treat me that badly plus his behaviour is a terrible witness, a big No-No for
Christians. A kind church minister who helped me through this was appalled at
the witness element.
Harry is almost 70. His imaginary and Tinder age is at least 20 years less. He’s good looking for his age but he won’t be able to maintain that lie. I doubt he will ever have a long-term relationship apart from with his two trained sycophants. Maybe that’s the karma. Plus that eventual conversation with God, of course. I like to imagine that Harry gets into Heaven but there’s an appraisal first which will include the question, “Why did you treat another child of mine so badly and then have the gall to pray for her and lie to me?”
Was it real? How did I allow it to happen?
I grieved for this
“friend” for months but what was I grieving for? Some imaginary friend? Was
none of it real? How had I allowed this situation to go on for so long?
Obviously I’ve thought a lot about that:
1) The first problem was the love I had for him from years ago. I thought he wanted that friend back. Turns out there just happened to be a vacancy for a new “supply”. He had a new person to supply validation. He certainly got some use out of me helping him with his business and financial affairs.
2) I somehow missed the lack of accountability although I kind of realised it in the background. We used to joke about all his drama and disasters over 40 years ago. Everything seemed to be against him. Clearly a lack of accountability but I couldn’t see it. He came to a family wedding with me back in 1980 (very confusing for the elderly aunts who thought we were next up the aisle…) and told my Dad a tale of woe about everything going wrong. Dad later said “He’s a lovely chap but there’s something wrong with him. He makes poor decisions then blames other people even if he was the only one in the room.”
I also realised he didn’t often apologise or there would be a British Rail apology – we’re sorry IF our trains are running late. That, too, was muddled. He’d sent me a vile audio message on the morning I was due to have eye surgery. Apparently I was daring to waste his time. Who does that to a friend about to leave for the hospital? I was mad and determined to get rid of him that very day but he called me with what appeared to be a sincere apology. It wasn’t, of course, it just reeled me back in.
The lack of accountability is all pervasive. When I called him out on this in a sort of joking way during the good times Harry said, “I don’t know why people keep telling me I lack accountability” Well, duh.
3) I’m usually a tough cookie but I was vulnerable due to everything I was going through and needed a friend
4) I was brought up to believe “you mustn’t be bad friends” and you were supposed to put things right. That meant I didn’t have the benefit of immediate no contact and the end got dragged out. From my point of view that is, from his I was simply discarded.
5) I could tell he had mental health problems but still thought, as a friend, indeed as an empath, I should help him. You’d help a friend who was depressed or grieving just as you’d help a friend with a bad back. The problem is narcissists are so delusional you can’t help them. They want to blame you and will end up destroying you.
6) I didn’t know about narcissism and red flags. Why would I? I should, however, have been able to spot a thoroughly nasty piece of work but nos 1-5 above got in the way.
This brings me to the point of this very long post which is: Educate yourself, teach your children basic psychology, get it taught in schools! Spot the red flags and save yourself a shedload of pain. Save yourself from believing everything is your fault.
If you’re
suffering abuse from a narcissist please make sure you get the right help. Not
all therapists are well versed in it so find one who is. My therapist is Lorna Dougan
from Mind Positive and I can recommend her without hesitation.